the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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