so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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