so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
