I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
