I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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