I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
