I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
