I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
