i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
