There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
