was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
