I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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