I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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