Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
