So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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