Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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