After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
