I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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