Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
