normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
