She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
