I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
