so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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