there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
