I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
