Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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