Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize