he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He felt like a one man threesome
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
