Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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