You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
