fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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