Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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