I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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