can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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