I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
