All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
