Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
