i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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