i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
