I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
