my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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