Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize