Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
