It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
