You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
