When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
