Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
