I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
