Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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