Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
