one word: firstdatebathroomanal
That's when you crack a 10am beer
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
