I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
