remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
