tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize