3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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