where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
