i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
